This will be long, but maybe worth the time.
Progress pics: http://imgur.com/gallery/cQtCdWF
Today marks 1 year since I restarted my DDPY fitness adventure. I had actually purchased the DVDs back in 2011, and signed up for the app back in 2015. But the time wasn’t right, and I let the voice in my head change my mind. And as I sit here, a year later, I want to reflect on that voice, and how I am beating it.
A lot of people, especially if they come from damaged, or abusive backgrounds, have a voice in their head that HATES their guts. I call it my inner asshole. And I see him as the guardian of shitty habits.
He’s the voice that starts laughing manically anytime I would tell myself I was going to change my habits.
He’s the voice that stops me when I am about to express an opinion in a group, by reminding me politely that I am COMPLETELY unqualified to express this opinion and everyone here is going to know it.
He is fear of success, fear of failure, fear of pain.
He is the manifestation of impostor syndrome and the main reason I spent much of my life believing my only value was in what I could do for others, and that I was not worthy of my valuable time.
An interesting upbringing and a weird mesh of survival mechanisms have left me a person who would move mountains to take care of those I care for, but would not spend 1 minute critically thinking on if I should have cookies for dinner.
I have been over 300 pounds since before I was 18. And, if I am being honest with myself, I never really cared. I had defined habits for eating, none of which great, and I did not examine them for years. I had a major diet pepsi addiction (150-200 oz a day), I had a love of jelly beans, and I hated cooking so most of my meals were from a box, or a drive though.
I spent around 12 years around 385. It became my self-idealized image of my size, and I was okay with that. I was living life and surviving, and spent so much time distracting myself that I never had to think about it. I was 385 when I met my wife in 2015.
The next 4 years were filled with love, adventure, long thoughtful conversations , and dates. Dates that always revolved around food. I started 2019 at 456 pounds. And even then, I did not care enough. I was content. Until 2 things happened in short order. First, my wife asked me to add things to my bucket list, because we were running out. And second, I got heavily winded just trying to tie my shoes. As heavy as I was, I am very fortunate that I was not yet broken down. I was still mobile, pretty flexible, and still had above average balance. Looking back, I think if I had had more mobility issues earlier, I would have addressed the situation earlier.
So, combine a sudden fear of a loss of mobility, with a realization that all of the things left on my bucket list are gravity defying and have a STRICT weight limit, I knew I had to make a change.
And then my inner asshole started laughing again. I decided I had to trick him. So, I started slow. I said to my self “Naw, I’m not going to do all that. That is a LOT of work. I am just going to do this one small thing. Follow the beginner program of DDPY. It’s just 20 minutes a day” That seem to work. But even then, I couldn’t commit it, and would skip workouts. I always made them up before the next schedule, but rarely on the scheduled day.
Made it through the first 13 weeks, and the asshole wasn’t grumbling as much, so I signed right up for the Intermediate program, and committed to following the schedule perfectly. By now there was a habit forming, and it was easier. In September my wife saw a meme from FB about a no soda September. She challenged me to finally give it up and really focus on the diet part. Oddly, I heard no push back in my head so I committed to not only that, but to a 30 day challenge of DDPY every day, just to see if I could. The feeling that I could do more was persistent.
In November I realized that the days I do DDPY in the morning, I felt better about it, and my whole day felt better, but I didn’t have a lot of time on work days. So, I decided to do a little more, and give myself 1 hour every morning before anything else. At the time this meant getting up at 4 am. Getting up early has never bothered me but 4 am was a real commitment.
Giving myself that hour every morning has been a total game changer. Not only am I getting a physical workout in every day, but I am up before the world in most cases, and have time to just focus on me. Something unheard of in my past. The new year rolled around, and I did another self evaluation. Mr. Asshole is getting really quiet these days. And at this point my daily “music” was a loop of motivational videos, and DDPY Success stories. I started to feel like nothing was beyond me, and for once Mr Asshole seem to be grudgingly approving. So I took a long look at my dead end Security job. It paid well, and asked LITERALLY nothing of my mind. I just had to fill the space. This gave me a huge amount of free time, but nothing to be satisfied with. I held this post for so long because I believed I was not good enough to have my dream. All my life, I have had a passion for creating content in autocad. I can’t explain it, but drafting gives me a satisfaction no job has matched. But I had been out of the field for 12 years, and only had an Associates, and, and, and a litany of other reasons Mr. Asshole had provided as reasons to stagnate.
March 12th I started my dream job. And now I draw pictures that literally change the world.
About the same time I also decided to go public with my journey. I had made a few posts, and told a bit of the story, but when I joined the Positively Unstoppable Challenge, I decided I would need to engage the world with my story. So, I created a YouTube channel. It is my daily accountability, because I have committed to a goal, and because it makes me sit and think about how the previous week has gone, and how I can do better. I also created a twitter and Instagram where I have begun sharing my story.
It is fitting that my 4th DDPY program end on my 1 year anniversary. It is good to look back, but my journey continues. I have 3 months and 30 pound to reach my goal of being under 300 for the first time as an adult. I am going to make it. I just need to reflect on how far I have come.
If you are still reading, you rock and I hope I can provide some inspiration.