Last updated: 26-Oct-18
By Seth Grotzke
Race reports are traps. Once you read one you begin to hear a little voice in the back of your mind that says, “You could run that race.”
With every additional race report the voice gets louder and soon you have convinced yourself that it is the most sane thing in the world to sign up for a race that is too long, with too much elevation, with too much risk, and with way too few and small cash prizes for those who finish right before the cut off time.
Those tricky little race reports…
Most of us know the after effects of race reports on our physical, mental, and emotional lives (cue blisters, nervous breakdowns, and uncontrolled weeping while looking at your running shoes), but very few know that there are some little tricks in how to write a race review.
Once you get the formula down you will be writing reports for every race you have ever run… and possibly some you haven’t.
So, without further ado, pull out a pencil, circle the appropriate answers, and begin the process of convincing someone else to follow your steps in doing something completely foolish.
“This past week, month, year, decade I ran the (fill in race name). It was a challenging, rewarding, nerve-racking, absurd race and I definitely, might, will never plan on running it again.
Going into race day I was nervous, excited, dreading the high probability of death because I was coming off a running injury, brain surgery, 6 months of no training and Netflix binging.
The day started off sunny/raining and with so much excitement I took off much quicker, (no other option) than I normally would have. Around mile 1.5, 13.50 I realised I needed to step it back, call a paramedic, formulate a will.
Thankfully my crew was crushing it, missing in action, trying to convince me to lie down and die and it was just what I needed.
Around mile 1.5, 13.50 I found myself in my pain cave, dark place, rage space, vehicle. It was there that I found my inner strength, mojo, reason to persevere, leftover burrito and it brought me back from the brink.
From there I gutted it out, took off, got lost and pushed in for a finish that I am proud of, embarrassed of.
I want to thank my family, my crew, my therapist for all their support during this race. The aid stations were staffed by incredible people, kind souls, liars and lunatics who said I was looking good and getting close.
As for the race director, I just wanted to say thank you, what were you thinking?!. I can’t wait to see you all signed up for next year’s edition.”
About the writer: You can read more of Seth’s musings over at sethgrotzke.com. His goal is to keep some “real” in the ultra scene and help provide a stabilising influence for the world through sarcasm.