27/F/5’8 SW:199 CW: 148 GW: 135
Honestly I just need to vent. Quick backstory, I was overweight most of my childhood. Capped out in high school at 215 pounds, got really sick and lost over a 100 pounds and bottomed out at 102. I looked awful. You could see all my bones. Tried to gain some back, after some years suddenly gained WAY too much. Around 170ish I knew it was getting out of control. When I went to the doctor at the end of 2017 and weighed 199 I was disgusted I had gained nearly all my weight back so I started my journey in January 2018 and you can see above stats as of now, a year later. With that being said, my body has been through a lot. I have weird flab, extra skin, stretch marks. The things a lot of us here have posted struggling with.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m freaking proud of myself for losing over 50 pounds. Especially in a healthy way this time around. For the most part I feel significantly more confident than I did before. I love the way I can dress now!
So- swimsuits. My arch nemesis. Basically my entire life I’ve avoided water activities. In addition to being wildly uncomfortable and self conscious in a swimsuit I’m super pale and that makes me even more self conscious. Side note: I cannot tan. I’ve tried. I have very fair Irish skin and I burn BAD and go back to being pale after. So it’s fake bake or pale af for me. In fact, how bad I burn makes me want to do outdoor/water activity even less.
Well, I’m taking a trip with my family to Hawaii in about a month so obviously I need a swimsuit. My mom and sister were texting me pictures of a swimsuit the other day asking if they could buy it for me and I do not know what came over me. I was SO ANXIOUS. It was a nice gesture but I found myself frustrated. Buying a swimsuit is something I do alone. It really puts me in a funk. I just hate the way I look in ALL swimsuits and it basically stressed me to the MAX. I told them not to buy it that I’d go look at it on my day off but they did anyway.
So tonight, got home from work and finally tried on the 4 swimsuits I own to see what fits. I took pics and sent them to the running group message my mom and sister and I have and asked what they thought. Everyone basically just said “cute,” then my sister brought up what they bought for me and how it’s going to look so cute and told me it’s high waisted which I did not know before. I said I was concerned because I have really wide hips and high waisted stuff can be hard for me. My mom said it would give me curves and curves look good in a swimsuit. I said something along the lines of “all my curves are flabby and gross. I will just never look good in a swimsuit but I can at least try to find one that’s looks ok.” Yes, I’m being a little self deprecating, I know. But give me a break I just tried on 4 swimsuits and am feeling pretty low about it.
Anyway, my sister responded with “Yeah. I thought it might give you more of a waist line and accentuate how small your legs are”
Maybe I’m just reading into it too much, but it felt like she was basically agreeing that I’ll never look good in a swimsuit. Which, I feel like that is honestly true and I said it so I can’t be mad at her for agreeing. It just felt like a salt on what is suddenly an open wound.
WHY are swimsuits so damn hard. I’ve worked so hard on my self confidence and self love and made huge strides and I’ve been in a great place and it’s like putting a freaking swimsuit on shook me to my core tonight. I just feel bad about myself.
Rant/vent end. If you made it this far, thanks for listening to me be a whiny asshole.
Edit: because I’m feeling especially weird and may delete this in the morning, here’s a pic of suit they liked the best https://imgur.com/a/935dlEu