and I really, really hope I get to 'after.'
I'm not relying on diets or an app or anything, but I reached this place by spending a long time addressing the …honestly grueling childhood that led me to where I am. After thinking for years that my pain was all there was to me, and after having deeply internalized the feelings of worthlessness that my abusers wanted me to feel, I'm finally at a place after a lot of therapy where I can accept that that trauma is a part of me, but it is not central to who I am.
And now that I've found that emotional balance, it's time to re-establish the physical. I've been taking steps to strengthen my relationship with my body. For a long time, it was just not there.
I'm a 24 year old woman, and I weigh 285lbs. I'm pretty tall, so my goal is to get back to 150lbs, my healthiest weight.
This time last week, I was 290. This is the first progress I've made in a long time.
I've returned to martial arts, which I loved as a kid until I had to move to a place where I couldn't go to practice anymore. I've been going to aikido classes 5 times a week, and I just absolutely love it. When my taekwondo dojang opens again, I'll be rejoining them, too. I've really been rediscovering the active things that I enjoy, and it's like reclaiming a part of myself that I let get buried when life wasn't kind.
A close lifelong friend and guardian of mine has been helping me adjust my eating habits so it's healthier food. Instead of soda, I've been drinking tea. Lots more tofu than meat, more vegetables. It's been good, honestly. Her support has been so freaking valuable.
I'm not counting calories because the feeling of accomplishment I get from staying under the goal encourages me to stay dramatically under the goal, and I wind up starving myself.
Instead, I'm going to take a somewhat more lassiez-faire approach, avoiding foods for the most part that I know aren't healthy, and reforming my diet in a way that incorporates the foods that I like that will also benefit me down the road.
My focus here is healing from trauma more than it is solely weight loss, but the weight loss is a very important step in the long term journey of finding a place where I am healthy – physically, mentally, and emotionally. (Fun fact, did you know that the largest and arguably most influential study on the long term physical fallout of childhood trauma began in an obesity clinic?)
Anyway. Sorry if this was rambly and esoteric. I'm excited to start this leg of my healing adventure. Not every part of it has been fun and exciting. :p
I know I've got a long road ahead of me if I want to get to my goal. What have you all leveraged to keep you going for the long haul?